Parental Alienation

Dear PAIN:

It was 1971; I was 27 when I left my wife, and a year later we divorced. We did not get along. Not major fights, just basic marital discord. I lived with a relative for a year, then moved into my own place. I was a salesman, then worked for an insurance company, and barely made a living. After the divorce, I paid child support as ordered. My son was about 4 months old when I left, and my daughter 2 years old. I was not particularly connected to them, or to anyone. I was a nerd, and rather emotionally bland.

There was never any abuse in our marriage, and from the time we divorced, we got along reasonably. I supported her as best I could, went out of my way to do some extras for her and the kids. And tried to visit my kids as much as was reasonable. We had to go back to court because the "reasonable" visitation in her mind was 10 minutes or so. So the courts stipulated visitation. I got every other week end for 4 hours.

As much as possible, I saw the kids. I made no big deal out of not seeing my daughter so she could go to a birthday party or my son because he was sick. As a child, I learned to not make waves. I figured that as they got older, we would get closer. Meanwhile, I was in therapy. Big time, very low cost, intensive, change oriented therapy. I changed substantially. I subsequently became a psychotherapist. I became more passionate in my life, more emotional, more connected to people, more intense. I became a highly motivated, self directed, successful person.

While I was changing, she remarried. Now, each time I came for my visit she would tell me in front of the kids "We donít want you here" "Donít come back" "You abandoned us." "Leave us alone." " You donít love the kids, and they donít love you." She said that in front of the kids regularly. My daughter and son stopped calling me daddy, and called me by my first name. My children used their motherís last name instead of mine. (Her married name). I would show up for visits, and the children would be afraid to tell me things. I spoke to a few people about what to do. Two psychologists and a social worker told me to let go, to move on, that what my children were going through was hurting them, and there was nothing I could do about it. They agreed that if I left, my children would be better off. So I left. A year later, they were adopted by their "father". I was out of the picture, and stayed out with the hope that they would be better off without the conflict. Even the adoption social worker thought it was best. I did not try to contact them till the youngest was 18. I wrote a long letter, and sent it to the last address I had. It was never returned. I also sent a card or so at Christmas. I chose to not make waves, fearful of legal issues, since I no longer had any rights. My name, of course, was removed from their birth certificate. (As an aside, my former wife knew that my mother had died, and her name was removed from my birth certificate. She knew how that rankled me. Nonetheless, that is what happened to my children)

By the time they were adopted, I had become a psychotherapist. Much school, much treatment, and there I was. A very changed man. But my former wife and children know nothing of that, and did not know the "new" me.

I spent 10 years or so working with refugees, through a community college, helping them to acculturate. They loved me, and I was respected. I was a great counselor. I then went into private practice, doing much work in hospitals, and in an office. Both my clients and my peers respected me. During that time I also taught applied psychology classes at 5 community colleges, and taught other classes at 4 universities. I taught many classes, Including self-esteem, goal setting and parenting. I was president of a statewide professional organization, and lobbied congress for patientís rights. I did a lot of good for more than 25 years. I pride myself on the fact that I helped a lot of people.

All that time I looked forward to eventually having some kind of relationship with my kids.

My plan was to wait till they were old enough to make up their mind, then try in some way to be connected.

I finally found my son early last year. I called him and found out a little about him. He had said that he thought about looking me up some day, but had not gotten to it. He was 27, had completed a degree, was in law school for a time, and was now going to graduate school. I was so pleased!

But he was also guarded. He was not sure if he wanted to see me. He was not willing to tell me anything about his sister. Not where she lived, not about her schooling, nothing. Nor anything about anyone else in his family. When I asked how his mother and father were, he was not willing to even say that their health was good.

We ended it with him saying he would contact me if he wanted more contact. He did a few months later. We talked on the phone, sent a few e-mails back and forth. He remained reluctant. He was not sure if he wanted to tell me anything personal. On the phone, I mostly listened, and tried to be supportive. Then I apparently said something that angered him, and he told me he was not interested in having contact with me because I said something about his mother that was a lie.

In my email to him, I had answered his request for information about how I had done over the years by saying that I had changed. I had been a man who was unknown to my family, especially to his mother. Somehow that became the ultimate insult, and he terminated the contact. I have yet to hear from him again or ever from my daughter.

The parental alienation is rampant in this case. It is clear to myself and my therapist friends that my son and probably my daughter had been told distorted, inaccurate information about me. My former wife apparently needed to devalue me in order to make it ok for her to extricate me from the lives of my children. To say I was a good, kind man but that she wanted me out of her life would have made her into the bad guy. And for my son to admit that mom had made a mistake, and that he had lost out would be intolerable. The people who write the books on PAS are correct; it is indeed brainwashing of our children. Not, in this case, by a mean, vindictive mother, but instead, by a woman troubled with sharing her children with their father, and troubled with appearing to the world as if she had failed in a marriage.

I encourage all those who fight with this problem to keep doing so. I encourage you to do all you can to protect your life and that of your children. Those in power, the attorneys, judges, therapists, and others who have to power to change this travesty should do so. It is terrible to turn a child against someone who not only loves him or her, but also someone who would do that child a lot of good. If you encounter this problem, educate those around you to the problem. Your physicians, therapists, attorneys, even judges, need to be able to see this for the terrible problem it creates. It is only through education and work that we may have hopes of changing the future for our children.

Signed,

Always Hopeful